Mea Culpa

2 November 2007 21:48

MonsignoreMea CulpaSeattle, WA – Forgiveness comes easy when we love someone… maybe too easy. But when we care for someone, we want to believe they can do better. And when they make full allocution and ask for absolution, we are compelled by our heart to pardon and extend them a second chance.

Hell, let’s face it: boys are no angels. They make mistakes and sometimes disappoint us. God knows I have made my share of mistakes and disappointed those I’ve loved on more than one occasion. I’ve learned from those experiences and those lessons have led to a better understanding and stronger character. I know my boys will fuck up at times. I don’t expect perfection. I can only offer my counsel and guidance, and trust that they will recognize them as opportunities for growth.

This doesn’t mean we must excuse every transgression. There have been boys I have had to separate from my life. There are some behaviors that are incompatible with my principles and actions that, when repeated, are simply intolerable. While I would welcome back any boy who has worn my collar, so long as those behaviors persist, they can be no part of my life. It does no good to coddle the boys with whom I’ve been involved. They are all strong willed and independent individuals. I would have it no other way. They choose either an existence that includes me or one that does not.

This week back in Seattle, I’m spending time to reconnect with some of my local boys. It’s been good. I’ve seen my Thai boy, TJ, and he’s pulling his life together. He has keep a good job at Starbucks and it seems he’s doing well. He’s been working out and still has a taste for rope. I’ve enjoyed his company and have asked him to accompany me to a bondage workshop on Sunday.

Last night I got to see Christopher again. I asked him to come over and cut my hair. Afterward, we went to Charlie’s for dinner and had a good conversation. He’s going through a rough time, torn between what he wants and what he’s willing to sacrifice. He asked for a scene and I gave it to him, stopping only when I was concerned the screams might attract attention. He broke down, apologized for hurting me and asked for my forgiveness. He has that and my sincere desire that he find happiness in his life. I hope I can be a part of it.

The composite photographs I’ve chosen for this post were taken over Labor Day weekend of Christopher, in my collar and the red & black wings of a fallen angel. The images epitomize much of what this post is about. The scene included my boy Derek from Chicago in addition to Christopher and myself. The three of us invested much in creating the spectacle. Christopher was flying high on endorphins by the time we arrived at the Cuff that Friday and quickly became the center of attention. Then the pain and blood at the end of the scene was so much like a price to pay.

Trust, Intimacy & Blood

20 October 2007 11:22

BloodTrust, Intimacy & BloodSeattle, WA — Recent events have me thinking about blood. As I am sure you understand, blood is an essential compound of life as well as a powerful symbol of sexual and physical magic. In my opinion, scenes involving blood exemplify the highest level of intimacy and trust shared between those involved. Cutting, signal tailing, running needles on or fisting a boy are among the most intimate activities I do and each requires unprecedented trust.

Trust is the foundation of responsible BDSM activity. Those of us, who play on the edge, play at risk. Trusting that each person involved is doing his or her part to mitigate that risk is imperative. The sub must trust not just in the skill of the dom(s) but in their relationship with them as well. The top must trust in the bottom’s ability to communicate where they are with honesty and openness without hesitation or omission.

Intimacy is the end goal of these scenes for me. They are a means of connecting with someone on an uncommon level and of bonding in deep and moving ways. While the level of intimacy will vary from scene to scene and the nature of my relationship with the sub, it should come as no surprise I prefer scenes that involve people with whom I am already deeply connected.

Yesterday, one of my brothers, Gene told me he wanted to learn play piercing and asked if I would run a scene on him so he could experience it from the bottoms perspective. There is a great opportunity to make this happen tonight at a party hosted by Panther at Seattle’s Center for Sex Positive Culture. Unfortunately, I haven’t felt much like running needles on anyone lately. I’m not in the right head space given the issues I’m going through with Christopher. Luckily, Gene understands and will pull together a scene as soon as I get back to par.

Performance Art & Safety

18 October 2007 21:20

CagedPerformance Art & SafetySeattle, WA — Yesterday, I took off for me. It was a good, productive day.

First order of business was a taxi ride down to the FedEx station to pick up the artwork shipped in from Chicago (pictured). It’s an impressive piece, six feet high and twelve feet wide. It is one of two pieces Derek and I created at Inferno back in September. The medium for both is blood on canvas. The one that now hangs in my Seattle apartment was created by placing Derek in full, pronated, horizontal, shibari suspension, running 22 gage IV Catheters in each forearm, letting him spin utilizing a Petzl Swivel and bleed out onto the canvas. For the second piece we ran 18 gage IV Catheters in each of my arms, let them bleed out as Derek helped smear it all over my body to then leave an impression on a smaller canvas. That piece now hangs in his home in Chicago. We’re such twisted fucks.

Also received my new autoclave, a Tuttnauer 1730 ValueKlave, yesterday. That evening I set it up in the kitchen and ran my first two batches of instruments. My urethral dilators and Van Buren sounds are now pouched and sterilized. I’m really happy to finally have an autoclave at home. It’s a lot easier then scheduling time to use my buddy’s at the piercing shop.

Safety First!