4 May 2010 8:59

PersonalSeattle, WA – When I met my boy Derek da Silva nearly four years ago at my first Inferno in 2006, our connection was immediate and our relationship grew with a passion that was rare and unexpected. I collared Derek in May of 2007 on the set of our first ‘art film’ together, Soldiers of Misfortune, and we began our long distance, D/s relationship as Sir and boy. I can’t help but smile when I look back upon that time and remember our adolescent-like enthusiasm and unbridled Sadomasochistic fervor. Derek introduced me to a new cadre of fetish/Sm players at the national and international levels, in addition to a niche market for ‘this thing of ours’ within the adult film industry. In turn, I introduced Derek to my community of family and friends, primarily stationed in my Pacific Northwest home, and partnered with him on a variety of activities that kept us traveling across the North American continent performing, teaching, playing and serving as advocates for respect and responsibility. Our relationship played out on stage, across the screen, in print, over the internet and under the scrutiny of the public eye. It seemed a natural extension of our activism and sense of adventure.

Our relationship has also played out over a thousand private conversations and interactions far from the public forum. We’ve enriched each other’s lives and grown together in ways indescribable to those who don’t know us personally. Derek has been my boy for nearly three years now. In that time he has become an inseparable part of my life and the lives of my other boys, Chris and Timmy (and yes, our pup Element’s, too). He also became a valued part of my larger family when on my birthday last year, the members of the Dragon clan welcomed Derek into our leather family as a brother in his own right. Derek will forever be my brother in addition to having been my collared boy.

Relationships, of course, are not static. People change, and the dynamics of relationships change as a result. This is particularly poignant to D/s relationships, and it has become clear that ours has not been immune to these changes. While I cannot say I fully understand how these changes came to pass, I do understand the rationale and reasoning at the root of Derek’s choice to terminate the D/s aspect of our relationship. I respect his position and support his decision. So, after much discussion and at his request, I have uncollared Derek and released him from his commitment to me as a collared boy.

Yes, I am experiencing a certain sense of loss at the moment. At times I wish I could be the cold, unfeeling bastard some perceive me to be. Alas, that is not the case. In truth, I am still in love with the boy who brought me so much joy and happiness. I’m certain that’s why I now feel a little disappointed and saddened by these recent developments. I can’t control my emotions, but I do have control over how I act on them.

I know in my heart that in time the darkness of what I am feeling now will be overpowered by the light that is the unconditional love that I feel for Derek. I recognize that the connection we share transcends the symbolism of my collar around his neck and that the value of our relationship is created by the moments in which we share our lives, not by the nature in which we express the dynamic of that relationship.

Derek is, and always will be, my brother and a valued member of our family. We share common philosophies and objectives for our community of family and friends. We will continue to work and play together as we have this past weekend during Tribal Fire in Oklahoma. We will still be teaching classes at ShibariCon and Thunder in the Mountains. And we will still be expressing our familial love for each other at every opportunity.

We all thank you in advance for your support in making this transition as positive as it should be for everyone involved.

Update: I invite you to read Derek’s take on this tough decision.

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Category: Personal.

5 Responses to “Changes”

  1. CynStorm Says:

    I wish you, Derek and the rest of your family the best. My thoughts are with you during this time in your life.


  2. Gershon Says:

    Hey Tony,

    Just writing a short note to express my sadness at the recent events that have led to the end of D/s relationship with Derek. I know the special bond between you will remain spirited and strong. Thanks also for your awesome classes at Tribal Fire. Much love

  3. dr dick Says:

    HOLY COW! i empathize with your pain. it’s grand that you are being so philosophical about the whole thing. i mean, it’s by far the best way to walk through something like this, it’s just that not everyone is mature enough to do so. once again you prove yourself to be a remarkable person.

  4. Sassywolf Says:

    So that’s what was going on. 🙁 I just met you both at Tribal. I didn’t really speak with you besides for my greeting after dinner on Sunday. You both have a vibrancy that is astounding. I wish you the best and hope our paths will cross again in the future. Many hugs!!

    Switches Rule!
    ~Michelle (da bootblack)

  5. Bruce Says:

    I wish you, Derek and the rest of your family the best. My thoughts are with you during this time in your life.